Not all passengers just give us their trash!

Breakfast is over & I'm picking up trays...

Mostly when passengers are finished they are eager to have us remove their trash & even when I'm a passenger I want my trash removed quickly so I can get down to the important movie watching on my flight: I wanted to share with you, what I encountered on todays flight:

Thank You: Ms 4A, for making me smile today!

Ghurka Meter

Memorial Day is upon us again & I'm honored to add to my blog today, Words from my better half in Kabul, Afghanistan!!

Honey, You are my HERO, I adore you.....Hurry Home~

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I love my guys from Nepal…….but…….they are definitely different from us (expats)…..just go in the mess hall…you will see what I mean…I don’t mind eating by myself…I actually prefer it….its my quiet time..so I find a table way in the back….there is a bookshelf about five feet tall behind it…and that is where I sit…ahhh….peace and quiet……then it happens……“Meester meester…why u heer….you no freends“….”No really…I’m fine!”

“Weee come seet wid you….okay!!”….”Really guys…I’m alright!!”……I now have thirteen Ghurkas sitting next to me at a table designed for eight…..its very cozy…sigh…..they all practice their english on me…..they think they are speaking english…I have no idea what they are saying…I just nod a lot…

I pray for night shift..here is why…during the day at my outside posts…..I am surrounded by Ghurkas…..I have one off to my left…about 20 feet away…..I have one behind me..he’s 50 feet away…and let’s not forget the one to the right…about 30 feet away…

Now this wouldn’t be a problem except…you guessed it….they want to talk…..and after speaking with me for five minutes…I’m exhausted….they then talk with each other….I now have Ghurka stereo for the next hour and ten minutes….yahhhhh!!!
Now these are the same guys that were on break together during the last rotation…I can only imagine what they’re saying….”So Nishka…..have you heard from your family back in Nepal…I mean since we last talked ten minutes ago….noo….that is too bad…..Ghangi…I am looking forward to my curry baloney sandwich for lunch….I will trade you my sandwich for your unrecognizable cabbage hotdog and a pound of rice…..

“Kinko…….I am looking forward to sitting with the poor American who has no friends….the one with no hair and big head…yes..he is very ugly…….he must be very saaad…maybe tonight we can get 18 Ghurka at the table instead of 13...this will make him very happy…I think!!

As I sit stand there at my post…putting in my earplugs….I think we should do an experiment….here’s my plan……each hour slowly move the Ghurka post farther from each other….you know …lets say ten feet…..initially what would happen is my Ghurkas would just talk louder….and louder…..now shouting…then there would be beautiful silence…..I’m thinking 100 feet will do the trick…

This is about the same range I can throw a grenade or shoot my pistol accurately (unlike my better half….I am a lousy shot with my pistol…that is why I figure they give me three magazines)….so now you see the importance of my findings….right…okay let me explain…my Ghurka meter is like having my own range finder….I now know the range to engage the bad guys or make myself another cup of coffee…

I going to the boss with my thesis…..maybe I’ll get a coin…..like Billy….and all he did was detain the wrong guy who happened to look a lot like a terrorist…..loser!
until then…

stereo boy signing off….

So you want to be an Army Ranger?

All Rangers are 6 foot or taller …chiseled muscles…and ruggedly handsome….well…in the movie version anyway…most Rangers I knew never saw 5 foot 10…more like 5 foot 7 or 8. The one or two words I would describe Rangers would be either scrawny or wiry…depending who gave the description.

Handsome….not on your life…the word that comes to mind is homely…or if your not kind; the term butt-ass ugly would be sufficient. I will never forget my squad leader seeing me for the first time….“Private…if I had a dog as ugly as you…I would shave his ass and make him walk backwards……I guess you’ll do! I was actually happy to hear this…I knew I was going to fit in.
There were only a couple of soldiers in the Battalion who could fit the movie mold. One of these soldiers was Specialist Kegler…one of the largest…strongest specimens of a human being I have ever seen. His helmet looked ridiculous on his huge head…it looked like a child’s beenie helmet. He was also the Battalion boxing champ….he would literally pummel his opponents into a pile of quivering flesh…then they would collapse…cool!

But Specialist Kegler had his weaknesses…..actually several….phobias…Kegler was afraid of the dark like nobody else I have ever seen….and even better than that..he was also deathly afraid of snakes….or as his roommate would say…”He’s sceered of them thar snakes.”….He also was not fond of leaping out of a perfectly good airplane….I really can’t fault him on this last one…Kegler probably weighed 240 pounds without his equipment…once you put a machine gun on him and all the other required gear we had to carry…I’m sure he exceeded 350 pounds when he left the airplane…our T-10 parachutes were good but I’m sure he still hit like a ton of bricks….somebody once told me that after Kegler hit…there was a small crater at the impact point…darn!
So now let us put all these factors together….in the Battalion…we normally jumped at night…with a full combat load….into the swamps of Georgia…where there are thousand of poisonous snakes. So it wasn’t a surprise to any of us when poor Kegler did not last long in Charlie Company.

So it was in our best interest… as far as entertainment went…that we should capitalize on this poor man’s phobias …at every opportunity… Now that may sound cruel and unusual…but at the time…it seemed perfectly normal….remember….we had to be able to depend on everybody to carry his own weight…no weak sisters allowed…even if he weighed 240 pounds and could pummel all of into something resembling hamburger.
 
A couple of events come to mind….we had just jump onto Taylor Creek Drop Zone…it was early fall in 1974.…and we were heading into one of the many swamps that surrounded the drop zone…when somebody spotted a huge Water Moccasin wrapped around a small branch maybe ten feet up in the tree….this guy was a beauty….close to four feet long and as big around as my arm….his head looked like it was the size of a baseball…and boy…was he grouchy! We immediately dropped our rucks and grabbed pine sticks to poke and jab at the poor snake….Weapons Squad, Third Platoon, Charlie Company needed a mascot and this snake seemed an excellent candidate for that position. Now for the plan…we would catch him…place him in a waterproof bag…and when we stopped to set up our ORP…we would let him out and play with him….this was the plan until we could get him back to the barracks and get him into a proper home….like somebody’s footlocker.

So picture this….there are seven or eight scrawny Rangers jumping up into this tree and poking at a poisonous snake. Kegler, of course, would not come near our activities….he was standing twenty feet away with his hands in his pockets and still carrying his 90 pound rucksack like it was a purse….his helmet sitting on top of his skull like a child’s party hat. …and then it happened…Shufelt got a good poke at the snake and flung him out of the tree….we all watched the snake go airborne….flipping end over end..as if in slow motion….then it hit its unwary target….Kegler….smack dab in the chest….plop! Well…..a couple of things happened…the snake was irritated and had enough Ranger fun for one afternoon and after hitting Kegler in the chest…dropped to the ground and wiggled off to safety of a small creek…..
　
Kegler…on the other hand….had other ideas….I will never forget what happened next….Kegler’s rucksack and M60 machine gun were suspended in midair…it reminded me of a scene from a Daffy Duck/Elmer Fudd cartoon….Kegler never broke stride….we finally caught him over a quarter of a mile away…Kegler was never quite right after that incident…for the next couple of nights…we had to attach a rope to him…he seemed to be in a trance…kept mumbling about “snakes everywhere!”….of course he was mistaken…the snakes were only in the wet areas…..come to think of it…I just described Fort Stewart…hmmm…maybe Kegler had a point.

Ranger Rogers signing off…

Angry Joe

WARNING; NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT OR PG RATED...READ AT OWN RISK!

Angry Joe..

On the project..it would be safe to say that we have some real characters….but think about it…characters are the type of people who come to these God-forsaken places…they tend not to do so well in general society…

I would see this time and time again in the military…guys who were your star performers in a tactical situation…would be the first ones on the MP blotter report when we received a little free time back at the fort. Doing wheelies on your motorcycle through the Post Headquarter’s flowerbed does not help a soldier’s popularity rating…except among his peers…we all thought it was funny!

Here in Kabul…One of our characters here is fondly referred to as Angry Joe….Joe has over 26 years active military service…retired as a First Sergeant versus a Sergeant Major because he probably told a General to get bent!

No matter what kind of horrible day you might be having…Angry Joe will always top it….”Joe I think I sprained my ankle on the curb outside.” “That aint shit…..the g--damn Afghan Police clipped me with his f---ing motorcycle and now I think I’ve compressed my spinal cord…I probably have a concussion and I’m constipated… so stop your whining you sissy!”

Now a conversation like this will happen at least once a day…therefore….the endearing nickname “Angry Joe” has stuck for our retired First Sergeant….oh…and one other thing…Joe is homophobic….which is great ammo for Billy and I….it’s actually impossible for us not to put a jab in…just to see Joe’s expressions and of course the replies he always has for us…which are colorful to say the least…

Joe talks like John Wayne…he uses that pause in his presentation to really place special emphasis on a certain swear word….you know…so it has extra special meaning…unlike the other hundred times you hear the word !!

Now here is the best part…Joe likes me….it’s not that I have done anything special to gain his acceptance…I think he just dislikes me less than anybody else here…so now were buds. …he barely tolerates Billy…(Joe doesn’t like people who live in Colorado…thinks they‘re uppity)

Off to Camp Eggers today….why you ask….because we can!” Plus Billy needed a case of his Monster energy drinks…so he drags me along to help him carry them….I usually get a coffee (ground not instant) out of the deal…I’m in!

As were walking past Angry Joe’s barracks….he is almost finished with his first pack of cigarettes (it’s 9am)…the butts are heaped up into a neat little pile by his foot. ”Hey Sh-tbirds….where the hell are you two going.” …. “Were going to Eggers”…..”Well hell…I think I’ll tag along…you two retards don’t have a problem with that…do you?”

“No First Sergeant…I mean Joe (old habits die hard)…..our driver pulls up…he is actually the relief driver….he is replacing Mohammad……are you ready for this…his name is Mohammad Mohammad….no joking! So off in the van we go with Mohammad Mohammad….us three and four terrified Ghurkas….I believe they think Joe eats Ghurkas for a light snack…”Get in the back…and be quiet!”….and this is Joe talking to Billy and I.

I was going to protest but I actually like the view from the third seat….really!!

We get to Eggers..no drama to mention…same as always…the roads were completely congested and packed with humanity…everything from toyota vans…bicycles…dump trucks…pedestrians…donkey carts…so we did what we normally do…we call our driver all sorts of questionable names…of course we question his manhood….and basically be complete morons to this poor guy….this causes Mohammad Mohammad to prove us wrong….he drives like a certified madman! On the median…over a sidewalk…through a field….across a ditch…watch the goat!…..you know…the normal stuff.

We think he doesn’t mind our harmless pranks…I guess when he doesn’t show up to take us back to Sully…we’ll know he’s reached his limit…until then…he’s ours!!

As planned…Billy gets his Monster drinks…I get my coffee…and Joe buys all the cigarettes behind the counter…like 12 cases….that should last him a week or so…

We get back to the pick-up area for the van…..for some reason….the little hoodlums that normally pester us are keeping their distance……I think they have had dealings with Joe and don’t need the aggravation….they would be better off trading with the Taliban!

Oh Gee...our driver is late (what a surprise!)…..Joe now feels the need to bond…..

”Hey Jack…you ever serve in Germany?”….

“Yeah Joe…I was in the Berlin Brigade…

“Oh..you were in that spit-n-polish sissy unit…no wonder you’re the way you are!“…(Joe has such a special way of making you feel part of the conversation.)

“You see Jack…I was in a man’s unit….I was a Cav Soldier….and I better not hear any laughing from you two D-ckwads!….blah….blah….blah…blah“

I sip on my coffee…..nod politely…..that is what you do with Joe…

Joe now has come to the most crucial part of any soldier story…describing the women that he supposedly dated....describing the wild parties that only exist in a soldier’s over active imagination....

At this point in the conversation Joe is talking directly to me….as if I was actually interested….

“Yeah Jack….the reason I did so well with the ladies is because I had two rules about dating …..but dammit….one time I violated my own rules….the first one was never date a chick in your own unit……and…..(this is where Joe used his John Wayne pause)…..well too bad for Joe because Billy jumps in and says “And the other one was to never have sex with a man!”

Immediately coffee comes shooting out of every orifice in my head….unfortunately I was in mid gulp when Billy dropped this bombshell…

The look on Joe’s face was priceless…..I’m not sure if the comment bothered him that much…but me laughing so hard kinda got to him....I actually think I peed on myself..

“So Sh-tHead…this is the way it is…and I thought we were f--------- buds!”

“Joe…I didn’t say anything!”

“Just for that…..we’re not buds anymore!!”

THANK YOU BILLY!

Angry Joe’s former bud…signing off…

Next Monday: Roger's Rangers

Nice Watch?

So, Today is MilitaryMonday & My GuestBlogger, BestFriend & FavoriteHusband didn't write a blog for me to post, That got me to thinking of this recent email he sent me: Topic

"How his day was going"

....on my last mission to the Afghanistan Airport, The police guard wouldn't open the gate...he went over to my driver, they had a heated discussion for about two minutes....the guard finally threw up his hands and open the gate...as we are pulling out I asked my driver "What the heck that was all about?"

Are you ready for this, my driver said the police officer wanted his shoes before he would open the gate....

Now, Let's put this in prospective...You are driving thru the toll booth at DFW International Airport, You pull up & the booth operator looks into your car and says..> "Nice Watch".....