Angry Joe

WARNING; NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT OR PG RATED...READ AT OWN RISK!

Angry Joe..

On the project..it would be safe to say that we have some real characters….but think about it…characters are the type of people who come to these God-forsaken places…they tend not to do so well in general society…

I would see this time and time again in the military…guys who were your star performers in a tactical situation…would be the first ones on the MP blotter report when we received a little free time back at the fort. Doing wheelies on your motorcycle through the Post Headquarter’s flowerbed does not help a soldier’s popularity rating…except among his peers…we all thought it was funny!

Here in Kabul…One of our characters here is fondly referred to as Angry Joe….Joe has over 26 years active military service…retired as a First Sergeant versus a Sergeant Major because he probably told a General to get bent!

No matter what kind of horrible day you might be having…Angry Joe will always top it….”Joe I think I sprained my ankle on the curb outside.” “That aint shit…..the g--damn Afghan Police clipped me with his f---ing motorcycle and now I think I’ve compressed my spinal cord…I probably have a concussion and I’m constipated… so stop your whining you sissy!”

Now a conversation like this will happen at least once a day…therefore….the endearing nickname “Angry Joe” has stuck for our retired First Sergeant….oh…and one other thing…Joe is homophobic….which is great ammo for Billy and I….it’s actually impossible for us not to put a jab in…just to see Joe’s expressions and of course the replies he always has for us…which are colorful to say the least…

Joe talks like John Wayne…he uses that pause in his presentation to really place special emphasis on a certain swear word….you know…so it has extra special meaning…unlike the other hundred times you hear the word !!

Now here is the best part…Joe likes me….it’s not that I have done anything special to gain his acceptance…I think he just dislikes me less than anybody else here…so now were buds. …he barely tolerates Billy…(Joe doesn’t like people who live in Colorado…thinks they‘re uppity)

Off to Camp Eggers today….why you ask….because we can!” Plus Billy needed a case of his Monster energy drinks…so he drags me along to help him carry them….I usually get a coffee (ground not instant) out of the deal…I’m in!

As were walking past Angry Joe’s barracks….he is almost finished with his first pack of cigarettes (it’s 9am)…the butts are heaped up into a neat little pile by his foot. ”Hey Sh-tbirds….where the hell are you two going.” …. “Were going to Eggers”…..”Well hell…I think I’ll tag along…you two retards don’t have a problem with that…do you?”

“No First Sergeant…I mean Joe (old habits die hard)…..our driver pulls up…he is actually the relief driver….he is replacing Mohammad……are you ready for this…his name is Mohammad Mohammad….no joking! So off in the van we go with Mohammad Mohammad….us three and four terrified Ghurkas….I believe they think Joe eats Ghurkas for a light snack…”Get in the back…and be quiet!”….and this is Joe talking to Billy and I.

I was going to protest but I actually like the view from the third seat….really!!

We get to Eggers..no drama to mention…same as always…the roads were completely congested and packed with humanity…everything from toyota vans…bicycles…dump trucks…pedestrians…donkey carts…so we did what we normally do…we call our driver all sorts of questionable names…of course we question his manhood….and basically be complete morons to this poor guy….this causes Mohammad Mohammad to prove us wrong….he drives like a certified madman! On the median…over a sidewalk…through a field….across a ditch…watch the goat!…..you know…the normal stuff.

We think he doesn’t mind our harmless pranks…I guess when he doesn’t show up to take us back to Sully…we’ll know he’s reached his limit…until then…he’s ours!!

As planned…Billy gets his Monster drinks…I get my coffee…and Joe buys all the cigarettes behind the counter…like 12 cases….that should last him a week or so…

We get back to the pick-up area for the van…..for some reason….the little hoodlums that normally pester us are keeping their distance……I think they have had dealings with Joe and don’t need the aggravation….they would be better off trading with the Taliban!

Oh Gee...our driver is late (what a surprise!)…..Joe now feels the need to bond…..

”Hey Jack…you ever serve in Germany?”….

“Yeah Joe…I was in the Berlin Brigade…

“Oh..you were in that spit-n-polish sissy unit…no wonder you’re the way you are!“…(Joe has such a special way of making you feel part of the conversation.)

“You see Jack…I was in a man’s unit….I was a Cav Soldier….and I better not hear any laughing from you two D-ckwads!….blah….blah….blah…blah“

I sip on my coffee…..nod politely…..that is what you do with Joe…

Joe now has come to the most crucial part of any soldier story…describing the women that he supposedly dated....describing the wild parties that only exist in a soldier’s over active imagination....

At this point in the conversation Joe is talking directly to me….as if I was actually interested….

“Yeah Jack….the reason I did so well with the ladies is because I had two rules about dating …..but dammit….one time I violated my own rules….the first one was never date a chick in your own unit……and…..(this is where Joe used his John Wayne pause)…..well too bad for Joe because Billy jumps in and says “And the other one was to never have sex with a man!”

Immediately coffee comes shooting out of every orifice in my head….unfortunately I was in mid gulp when Billy dropped this bombshell…

The look on Joe’s face was priceless…..I’m not sure if the comment bothered him that much…but me laughing so hard kinda got to him....I actually think I peed on myself..

“So Sh-tHead…this is the way it is…and I thought we were f--------- buds!”

“Joe…I didn’t say anything!”

“Just for that…..we’re not buds anymore!!”

THANK YOU BILLY!

Angry Joe’s former bud…signing off…

Next Monday: Roger's Rangers