Monday, February 22, 2010

Cricket Anyone?


It's Monday & My Guest Blogger, My Better Half & My Best Friend will now share his Humor from Afghanistan with us: Please Enjoy, I know I am enjoying his words.




I must say…we have a plethora of entertainment option here at Camp Sully…we can watch TV….go to the gym….or watch TV…..hmmm…I’m not sure but I think we’ve got a pattern here.

So today…I think I will watch TV…and now for the choices…

First…we have the five Indian channels…I’m not sure why we need five…since basically the same thing is being shown on every channel….now for my initial observation….if you just want relaxing and peaceful TV….DON’T WATCH THIS!!

The women…are always dressed to the nines…even in the most remote village with nothing but goat paths and these women all look like they’re going to the High School Prom..…

Now the women are a bit over the top on the drama side…they all seem to be crying…or making some other woman cry…the men are usually yelling at the women (who are crying)….or slapping another man who has displayed some type of social mishap …..you know…like serving curry with peanut butter….you just never are quite sure why the poor guy is getting beat up…but it seemed to fit the plot…so slap away!!

This slapping thing then progresses to a full blown street fight….with Kung Fu kicking ….Karate chopping….and yes…slapping…

This fight scene involves about a gazillion guys….not sure where they all came from…because they were not present during the initial crying-slapping phase of the plot….distant cousins I guess…

Eventually, one side commences to get the dirty end of the stick….this is when the guns come out….yeah babeee!!

These guns all appear out of nowhere….and we’re not just talking Saturday Night Special Pea Shooters…

We’re talking AK-47s….shotguns…grenades…flamethrowers….samurai swords….you know…just the normal stuff that you might find in a Texan’s closet…

This battle rages on for a good 20 minutes…with a generous portion of the time dedicated to facial expressions (my favorite part)…you know what I’m talking about…..like when you are sixteen and get caught in your dad’s liquor cabinet…in my case it was more like a cardboard box full of PBR…only the best for my dad…oh yeah…and don’t forget the sound effects….Yaaaahhh!! Oweeearrrgh! Waaahiii!!…and that’s just during the warm-up slapping phase..

Once the Kung Fu shooting portion is complete then the final scene usually involves a huge dance sequence where everybody get’s back up and dances….usually in front of a fountain or a cow pasture…it just depends if the people involved are city or country folk…makes sense to me….The End

Then there is Nepalese TV…we have two channels of that…the first one consists of a lot of praying…..and some humming….then it shows the national flag flying…then it repeats itself…ohhhh about every twenty minutes….I’m good for about three..

Now here is where the Indians either copied from the Nepalese or visa versa…that’s right…we’re back in the pasture for a song number…..the leading lady is always attractive…slim and pretty…now her back-up singers are a different story…they look “plow ready”…and I’m being kind.

All the lead male dancers look like…well…Elvis…they can’t seem to grow sideburns so they just grow their hair to look like sideburns…gee…nobody will be able to tell!!

Oh yeah…and the best part…they sound like they’re on helium….moving on…

The last channel…and not my favorite…is the international sports channel…this is where they play all the sports that Americans go…..HUH!!??!!??

First, we have soccer…as one of our famous football coaches said…If God had wanted us to play soccer…he would not have given us arms…enough said about soccer…

Then we have Rugby…unfortunately they don’t show this nearly enough…it’s actually a pretty cool sport….has everything us guys want…blood…hard hits…strategy…fast-pace…but..no cheerleaders…so they lose points on that…

Then we have Cricket…if you recall…I have mentioned this hideous sport in an earlier account…..let me go into some detail at this time…which is quite painful for me..

The sport entails two teams…dressed exactly the same….all white clothes with really preppy sweaters…I still haven’t figured out how they keep the teams straight…

Anyway…one of these preppy fellows throws a rubber ball at another preppy fellow …now this guy is holding a stick…it actually looks a lot like a half of a kayak paddle…he then wails on this rubber ball….the best part is when everybody acts like they know where the ball is going to go….of course it has other ideas…..so the ball lands way out in this manicured field (Nepalese could use it for a dance number)…and then everybody claps…

I asked my South Africans…do they really enjoy or understand the sport…and they finally admitted to me....that a particular game may go on for days…..so this allows them to miss a lot of work and drink enormous quantities of beer….

NOTE: The following is from the official rules Other ways runs can be scored according to the cricket rules include no balls, wide balls, byes & leg byes. Cricket rules state that all runs scored by these methods are awarded to the batting team but not the individual batters.

I prefer the wide ball and No Ball scoring method…versus the notorious Leg Byes…I mean…that should be clear to everybody!!

When I watch Cricket…I tend to go into a coma after six or seven minutes and fall onto the floor…at which time somebody has to get the defibrillator off the wall and revive me…this has happened so many times that I have gone ahead and shaved my chest and put little X’s on my torso where the pads should be positioned…...my South Africans appreciate this…it cuts down on their non-beer drinking time…

Cricket boy signing off...

4 comments:

Jean @ffjewelry on Twitter said...

It took me ten minutes to catch my breath. I think I broke a body part from laughing so hard. "Plow ready." Oh my goodness. That just did me in. LOL!!!

Gene said...

Seriously funny!!! Be careful over there.

Brajit said...

I think I just wet myself laughing. Next time, I'm going to wear a pair of Depends (yes, two layers) for the amount of pee I just peed.

Oussama said...

I am no fan of cricket, but your friends are right a game that goes for days, sun deck chairs, cucumber sandwiches and pink gin OK let us stick to beer, and in some instances women, plow ready or otherwise, good way to catch up on your sleep, enjoy

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